thoughts

it sucks to be in love with someone who doesnt love you back

Read more...

imprisoned heart

i cant even sit here and lie to myself i miss him like crazy. it has been official for almost a month now and before that we were not communicating and talking like we used to for about 2 months so i should be used to not speaking to him and not having him there, but truth is i am not. its difficult when you actually loved someone and more than that you care about them. more than anything i care about j. my feelings for him is beyond loving him. lately my mind has been running across him more than unsual. my thoughts and the little memories keeps replaying in my head. i dont know what to do with it. i dont know if i should swallow my pride and speak to him or continue with not talking to him and just have a clean break. honestly i am afraid that if i were to call him up that he wont be so receptive. i am never afraid of rejection its a part of life but i will definitely be heart broken if he werent willing to give us another try. i think that will hurt me more than anything at this point. i know it is silly of me to keep thinking about him and everything else but its not like i am doing it on purpose.. it just happens! last night i cried myself to sleep... yes i cried myself to sleep... the first time in a long time... i cant remember the last time i cried let alone cried myself asleep... and never have i cried over any man/guy. i guess there is a first for everything. all i know is i never want to feel like this again. my best friend keeps telling me to just tell him how i feel, but would telling him how i feel bring him back? i dont think so, therefore i will just keep it to myself. i remember coming back to ny for christmas break him introducing me to his family. i was especially suprised and excited that he introduced me to his mother and brother. walking out the hospital after visiting his mom and holding hands, having people tell us as we walk by that we look cute together and they can "tell we are happy and we care about one another" all that means so much to me... i never told him that before.. maybe that was my mistake. i told him alot of things. told him i cared about him. told him that even if we dont make it i would be his friend because he means that much to me. but i never told him how much the times we spent together meant to me. i never told them how dare i hold them in my heart and at night when he is in ny and i am in atl i just replay those moments in my head. i wish we werent long distance because i know that if we werent we would still be together but i cant sacrafice school for a relationship. i mean i just cant afford to. i never expected him to move to atlanta anytime soon i know that wouldnt be fair to ask that of him and he never asked the same of me because he knows how much school means to me. i guess we were doomed from the beginning but it was worth the try. i still miss him though and i know i will for a while. i still love him and i will always care about him, that will never change. i could say alot of things about j but one thing i can never say is that he is a bad person, because he is not. i have spoken to my mother, my uncle, cousins and aunts... everyone keeps asking about him and at first i was content with the split. i was fine with us no longer talking but now after all the conversations and questions i realize that he is worth some things. he is worth the risk. but i guess its too late now... i may never know... i have been in many relationships but i can honestly say he was my first love.... even though i never got a chance to tell him that either...

Read more...

love you mike

ok so i know i did a post earlier on michael jackson but i kept it light and simple because i feel as though i do not personally know the man so i cant speak much about him. but what i will say is that hands down this man has done more in his lifetime than many will in theirs. he has experienced so much both great and bad that many will never see. mj was one of the first african american artist whose music was played on mtv. this was at a time when black artist were not recognized as main stream artist. and now even after his deah he is still breaking records... when was the last time if ever have you heard of the white house and house of senate having a moment of silence for a musician, let alone a black musician. when was the last time a president sent out their condolesces to the family of an artist.

michael was in the entertainment business since he was five, throwing us hits since he was nine... people passed out when he walked by, even today in my generation people wants to be michael, emulating his dance moves and his style. no one worked glitter the way he did. no one can ever pull of the socks and shoes like he did but yet they still try...and even after all of this many of his so called "biggest fans" crucified him when money hungry devils and the system tried to go after him... many tried to break his spirit but failed. its sad that he has passed at such a young age. and for some reason i feel it more since he and i shares the same birthday. michael you will always be respected by me...never lost it...i was one who always believed in you. never once did i think you were crazy or guilty of any of the accusations bought against you...different you were but crazy you were not...and at heart and mind you were a kid yourself so there was no way you would do what they accused you of... its sad that even in the highlight of his death that people are still trying to tear him down. all day yesterday fox 5 news ( who needs to be kicked off the air asap) was very negative in the life of michael all they kept talking about was the allegations bought against him and how he was "broke"... these people are so stupid...do not believe everything you hear michael was not broke. it is true that he was not making near as much as he used to but broke he was not. you have to take into consideration that this man owned the beetles catalog. if he was so broke and stretched for money he would have been sold that...dont you think? anyway you will forever be in our hearts and music has def lost a star and the world has to.

Read more...