early morning wake up call

so i woke up early this morning like three oclock this morning to a crazy text message from mr. t himself... when i read the text message i was so scared to the point where i stayed up all night. i keep looking at the text and the more and more i read it all i can think is " keenya wtf are you doing, this is not your type of thing" and i keep hearing all my friends and family in my ear saying "you too good for him and that bullshit" (something they been telling me since day one).
and i know everything that they say is true but no matter how much i acknoweledge the truth. i cant leave him alone. i wont leave him alone. he is my comfort. the truth is that no matter what anyone says mr.t is my addiction. he is the only man i have ever been comofortable with and even though we have our ups and downs like many people in relationships/ relations we work them out and are good within 10 minutes. i know that we are on two different levels right now in our lives and he is not the dream man that i thought i would have, but lets be serious, does the perfect man exist? do we ever really settle down with the person we thought should have been our dream guy?
his text message this morning sent chills through me, i got that scared. i just started thinking about everything at once. and what scares me more than anything is that i fear for him more than he fear for himself. i am more concerned about the outcomes of his actions more than he is. and that shit is mindblowing to me. im like damn do you take anything seriously. i will love for you to! but anyway i had refused to call him for a while cause i was upset and so he text me back 8:38 i was so happy to hear from him.... we got to talking like we always do and that talk slowly started evolving into an arguement, but before it could get too intense to where we say something we may or may not regret he ended the conversation and said he will see me later. and that shit irritates me because he is the one that starts the arguements but then he will shut it down when u say some shit he dont want to hear. i asked him how does he really feel about me and his response was i always ask that. ( i will post the entire convo in a later post). but this morning has put alot into perspective for me.
these past couple of months (since may) u nust admit has been real rocky, i mean what has happened between us i never thought i would experience, at least not in this life and not with him. but it did not break us it just made us stronger, maybe not together but i know as individuals we are much stronger now than we were 4 yrs ago when we met and 10 months ago when we started this journey amongst us. he knows i care about him and i respect the fact that he does not play on that. these couple of months hace taught us alot about one another, and has especially taugt me alot about him. there are things that i am finding out that i never knew before and you will think that after knowing him for 4 yrs i would know him pretty well but i guess thats the difference between friends and anything beyond friendship. but sometimes he makes me feel like i am the bad guy and that is one thing i cant stand. everything i say to him his response is "damn thats fucked up" or " real talk dont say shit to me" or " oh its like that, ok bet!".... i be like wtf are you that sensitive.. i dont know if it is the new york in me that he cant handle. or the jamaican in me but he need to toughen up... that is my biggest problem with him and i dont think i am a harsh person at all, so i dont understand where our wires or interpretations are getting crossed.
when it comes to us he is a great man and partner, but its the other things that get to me, the school, the work, and the other extra activities that i am uncertain about. i will never tell a man how to live their lives because that is not the type of person i am and i feel like people do what they do for a reason, but there are just certain things that i want him to change. his changing is not a necessity to me because at the end of the day i dont rely on no man so its not like his lifestyle change is needed for me or us to succeed. its just that life will be better for him if he did.

THIS MORNING HAS HAD ME DOING ALOT OF THINKING, EVEN IN MY SLEEP. IT PUTS THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE AND HAS ME VIEWING US FROM DIFFERENT ANGLES. I REALIZE THIS IS NOT THE LIFE THAT I SIGNED UP FOR AND I AM BETTER THAN THIS. I HAVE A FUTURE. I AM GOING PLACES. I CANT SAY THE SAME FOR HIM. AND EVEN AFTER ALL THIS I STILL WANT JUST HIM. SO NOW I AM THINKING SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME. BUT PLEASE DONT GET IT TWISTED PEOPLE NO HE IS NOT MY FIRST SO I AM NOT HAVING ONE OF THOSE "FIRST LOVE SYNDROMS", YES THE DICK IS GOOD BUT I HAVE HAD BETTER SO I AM NOT "SPRUNG". THE FACT STILL REMAINS THAT HE IS ONE OF THE MOST GENUINE MEN I HAVE EVER MET, THE ONLY MAN I HAVE EVER BEEN SO COMFORTABLE WITH, AND HE KNOWS EXACTLY HOW TO PUT A SMILE ON MY FACE WHEN I NEED IT THE MOST. THERE HAVE BEEN SO MANY TIMES WHERE SOMETHING GOES WRONG AND I AM THE FIRST PERSON HE CALLS AND VIS VERSA.... SO PEOPLE TELL ME WHAT IS IT? IS IT LOVE? IS IT A INTRAPERSONAL CONNECTION WITH ONE ANOTHER? WHAT?
GIVE ME YOUR SUGGESTIONS AND ADVICE.

1 comments:

Ti August 5, 2008 at 11:58 PM  

i will tell you what love is..it is heartbreak..a waste of time..and headaches...i mean life has its ups and downs..but all in all love is way too much