when you give your heart to someone and they continuously do you wrong, over and over, after a while they damage you... being in a one sided relationship/situation hurts. its painful and its embarrassing.. i love this song (its been on replay for two weeks now)... such a beautiful song
i never loved him...
"I'd rather someone show me they love me and never tell me than tell me they love me all the time and never show it."
"If love aint a GOOD enough reason to make you come home, then stay where you at."
"Sometimes there's nothing u can do but watch everything fall apart" - @relationships101
ladies what would you do if your boyfriend/boo/significant other already has one kid and you found out that there is a possibility that he may be the father to another?!?!
"of course you always have to be realistic but sometimes its good to live in the right now. to live your fairy tale and pray that it becomes reality.. life's about dreams"
"Questioning is everything here really worth salvaging? Is it over, how we do we go about deciding? Do we add up all the good times then divide them, by how many times we hurt each other? Or do we just ignore the numbers and vow right now that nothings going to take us under." - Lyfe Jennings
I've just realized that he doesn't know how to love. Regardless of how good I treat him, he does not know to love. I try to be patient because I know that everyone is not like me. There are people who has never been shown affection by family, who has always been wronged, and who past partners crossed them, and although I have been crossed once or twice I have never experienced anything close to what he has been through. He has been burned and abused. It sounds weird saying that a man has been abused but that's exactly what has happened to him. I don't know if i would be able to trust or love either if I had experienced what he has. Although I feel for him and acknowledge what he has been through it is very trying and hard for me to accept the fact that he doesn't know how to love. I try to show him through my actions and my words, but it seems as though it's not clicking to him. A girl doesn't invest time in a man that she cares nothing about, especially four years. We just don't, so why can't he see that I am for him? Last month I invited his best friend over (with a bunch of people at my apartment of course, I'm no dummy) because I wanted him to help me plan a suprise birthday party for my him. He came over with his bestfriend and flipped out on me, we didn't talk for three weeks. He was so hurt because in his mind I crossed him and he thinks that I was trying to talk to/sleep with his bestfriend. At first I couldn't understand why he would even think that, I kept telling myself he should know me better than that but then I remembered the mother of his daughter slept with his bestfriend and his bestfriend cousin. I also remembered that one of his ex girlfriends just slept with randoms. It's been a month since that has happened and he still hasn't let it go. He would randomly come out of nowhere and say I hurt him, he can't believe I did that to him, and he can't forget it. I haven't told him the reason why I had invited his friend over because he hasn't given me the chance and besides that he should know that I would never do that to him. Sometimes I feel like he is casting his own actions on me. Like in the beginning, he slept around, alot. I forgave him but now he keeps claiming that I'm cheating, he thinks one of my friends is more than a friend, and he insinuated that I invited his best friend over to kick it, and have sex with him. More than anything that hurt me. That hurt me more than him sleeping with other people in the past or anything else that can possibly happen because that means he doesn't trust me and he has automatically put the actions of his ex girlfriends off on me so I can be just like them. I am nothing like them and I never will be. When everyone left his side I stuck around. I look at his daughter as if she is my own. When he was in legal trouble I was there. He got off the streets and enrolled in school because he knew it would make me happy. Anything I need he is always there and vis versa. When he was down I was there, I have always been there. Even when we fight I'm still there so why can't he trust me and love me the way that I need to be loved. Why can't he let go of the past and just trust and know that I would never hurt him. Why won't he give us a chance, the chance to be happy that we both deserve. When we are together I am so happy. I have this smile on my face that never fades, and I have never felt this way about anyone not even the man I was going to marry. He keeps me going, he has never just left me, even during the days we aren't talking. Like anything we have our good times and we have our bad times, but our bad times are really really bad. I sometimes question why am I even trying. I want all the games to stop. The on again off again bullshit needs to end. I need stability, commitment and I need him to act right. I need him to stop dwelling on other people and his past and just focus on us and the right now. I want us to be US. I see a future with him, I really do but we both have alot of work to do.
ive noticed lately that my friends, acquaintances and people that i talk to on a daily basis with are breaking up with their partners, main reason being cheating. everyone is all heart broken because their spouse has been cheating and they just found out and all that good stuff.. i sympathize i really do but my thing is this: THERE ARE SIGNS... there are signs that your partner is cheating or at the very least slipping. dont sit there and lie to yourself and say you didnt see it coming. even if there wasnt any physical signs like coming home late at night.. that gut feeling we get, known to us females as "womans intuition" and you men as just a gut feeling.. IT NEVER LIES... if your man tells you something and alarms goes off in your head, something is up. if he talking to you and you cant catch anything thats coming out his mouth cause all you thinking about in the back of your mind is he is cheating, lying, etc.. then must likely you are right... but even if you werent right, say you thinking all this about your man and it turns out he isnt cheating (which is very unlikely) then you dont need to be with him anyway. why you dont need to be with him?!?! BECAUSE YOU DONT TRUST HIM! if you think your man has so little respect for you as to where he will lie and cheat then you two dont need to be together. this is my thinking we all date and enter relationships in search of our future.. our future husbands and wives, that one person that we plan on spending the rest of our lives with. so if im in a relationship with someone that i can not trust, that im always shooting 21 questions at because i want to catch him in a lie (that just might not be there), if i got to play snoopy with your ass, smell your draws, unlock all your phone, all that.. then i dont.. no I CANT be with you. all i will be doing is subjecting you and myself to that for the rest of our lives, and really how can you achieve longevity in a relationship with that shit going down every week, every other week, or once a month at best. IT WONT WORK.. IT CANT WORK... when me and my ex fiance first started dating we spoke about past relationships && for the time we was together i learned alot from him.. some things i dismissed and others i didnt, but if anything the one thing i took away from our relationships is this statement he made: AS SOON AS YOUR PARTNER START BREAKING ROUTINE YOU KNOW SOMETHING AINT RIGHT, THEY CHEATING!... && he is so right.. i mean think about it, if you two go from talking once or a couple of time everyday to once a week. something is up.. if yall go from date night every friday to every two months..something is up.. if he is usually home by nine and all of a sudden he want to walk through the door at one, two, three oclock in the morning every morning, something is definitely the fuck up.. and i dont care what anyone says if that nigga aint never had a fucking passcode on his phone the two years yall been together but all of a sudden he got one on that bitch, and it aint something that you will know incase you have to use his phone such as his birthday, your birthday, anniversary, etc.. THAT NIGGA IS FUCKING CHEATING... everything be in the phone pictures, message, emails, everything.. so if he coding it up.. you need to check that out right now.. oh and if he gets a new phone that you dont know about or you dont have the number to for some reason or the other he cheating.. there is no reason why you need two phones unless you on the streets or corporate america.. one of the two, so if you aint selling some crack or anything of the sort or you not a CEO on wall street you dont need two fucking phones.. get the fuck outta here with that. but lesson of the day number 1 way to know your partner is cheating without playing scoopy or the guessing game is
&& this right here....
today i logged on to facebook and a friend of mine had a status up, we all knew it was about her on again off again boyfriend and the father of her son. what i dont understand (and this is not just for them but for everyone) is why do people insist on putting up their relationship business online especially facebook and then get upset when everyone knows all their business, issues and problems, and are mad when things dont work out between both parties.. i mean facebook doesnt ruin relationships. people do. please get it together and stop the fuckery.. its a shame that people havent learned yet! i wont lie i liked her status but still all your business DO NOT NEED TO BE AVAILABLE TO THE WORLD!! as "adults" people need to realize that certain things are left better unsaid, not everything need to be addressed, and everyone should not know your business. we are all guilty of it once in a while, sitting around having girl talk or chilling with the boys and telling them a little more than they need to know.. but when you take it facebook and other social sites.. smh thats bad business.. what goes on in the house stays in the house. i hope eventually people will learn to stop this madness cause its really not cool.
... from past relationships....
one of my bestfriends is engaged... her boyfriend proposed to her on valentines day.. i am so excited for her.. unfortunately she dont feel the same way (well not yet at least) hopefully she will start to get excited about it.. check out the ring
i am so happppyyyyy for her... i used to think that 21, 22 was too young to marry but i have watched them both grow together and granted they have their moments but thats what relationships is about... i love watching them together the way he shows her unconditional love even when she is the biggest pain in the ass.... and how she supports him 200 percent in whatever he decides to do. she tells him when he is wrong and he does the same.. the both of them deserve someone good, and i think they are perfect for one another.. I WISH THEM THE BEST AND I HOPE THEY BOTH FIND ETERNAL HAPPINESS WITH ONE ANOTHER...
CONGRATULATIONS R & J
Read more...i posted a blog not too long ago about not telling him how i feel because although we been on and off for four years im still scared of the thought of rejection (if you havent read it click here)... well in that same post i said i didnt know how i was going to tell him how i feel but i did know that i wasnt going to text it to him because that is "childish" (spoken from my own tongue)... well silly ol me i must be childish because i sure did text it to him...
see what had happened was.... i was wasted- shit faced- just done for... i ended up texting him saying that i wanted him to come over and spend the night.. he replied back "lol really u know i got a girl i cant, she gone be mad"... so being the person that i am i told him about himself, cant remember exactly what i said but somewhere in the text i did say "the truth always comes out && it doesnt even matter anymore " he was thrown off guard and was just like "babes chill out, if you want me to come i will come" i told him to go to sleep with his girl its nothing cause like everyone else she not gonna last too long being second best (to me of course)... so we was texting each other back and forth for a minute and i finally just told him everything that i felt. i cant remember exactly what i said because my dumb ass phone deleted my sent messages but i basically told him that i was i dont like him talking to other females because it was rude and although we are not officially boyfriend/ girlfriend he know what it is. i told him that ever since we came out here that we havent been spending time together and i feel like he been acting funny and clearly its because he is under some other chick like he has no sense and that i wasnt going to stand for it. i said some other things but i cant remember
but his response to it all was this:(and this is directly from the text so its accurate lol)
"wow ok u never really told me till now how u felt when kj asked u that night at west ga u said u didnt want to get together u said u didnt want to be in a relationship and now i come out here and i start talkin to somebody and u get mad its like ever since we been out here we been arguin and now u tellin me that im wrong for talkin to somebody its like i aint know for real u know guys are slow u got to tell me stuff. i care i just aint think u wanted that right now so i started talkin to somebody cuz i seen u was talkin to joe alot so i though yall started talkin and so i started talkin to somebody. u know i care, i always have. i just been waiting for u"
i dont remember telling his friend that but he insist i did because he was the one that sent him to ask me those questions & that he was standing by the door listening, i just didnt know. i told him he should of asked me himself because im not dealing with kj im dealing with him & what i will be willing to tell him i wont be willing to tell kj.... i mean thats just common sense to me, but clearly not everyone thinks on the same wavelength as i do..
its been two weeks and since then things have been good, we havent argued at all, he drops me off and picks me up from classes everday, we spend everyday together (not all day though i enjoy my space, at least four hours to myself). its like old times again minus the sex and i like it. we didnt spend valentines day together because my cousin was here for her birthday but the next day we had a great time. his daughter spent the week with us and that was fun... for the past four days he been wanting to sleep over here but i wont let him. i know that if i do we will never be apart after that. i know us, we go from 0 to 60 real quick, get real comfortable with each other like nothing has ever happened. plus if i allow him to spend the night here with me i already know we gonna have sex, i know how we are especially me...
i was over at the makings of me! by the lovely daja (check her out) and she has posted a new poll question && it reads this: catch your partner cheating... (option 1)i would leave (option2) i would stay and work it out...
i was attempting to vote on her question but i couldnt.. now some might be thinking wtf you mean you couldnt its simple either leave or stay.. and then some might be like wtf you better leave that nigga... for those who think it is that easy to answer or who can make a decision without hesitation i dont think you have truely been in love. now i will be the first to tell you that i used to be one of the main people with hands up in the air waving the finger talking about "it aint nothing to think about, leave him he aint shit" but its no longer that simple of a question to answer... to me its not that cut and dry. now some might find me stupid for saying this but oh well we all have our flaws. life has taught me that different situations call for different resolutions. the act of cheating may or may not be the same but the person behind the act has to be taken into consideration as well. cheating is not just physical it can be emotional as well. often times people associate cheating with strictly the act of having sex with someone else and its not. just because you cant see it does not mean its not going on right in front of you. i always wondered why some people get so upset when their partner physically cheat (have sex) with someone else but thinks nothing of it when they emotionally cheat.
hell anybody can study the body of someone else (hell i been doing it for three years with all this biology, chemistry and anatomy) but it really takes a special person (or at least someone close to it) to study the mind. our bodies are exposed everyday but our mind, our minds are closed. not everyone can access it on sight. if you ask me emotional cheating is worst than physical cheating. anyone can have sex if they want. some of the ugliest people be getting play. nowadays people have nsa (no strings attached) sex, friends with benefits, one night stands, etc. so anyone can have sex but not everyone can emotionally, pyschiologically, and/or intellectually explore another being. but thats just my two sense.
ive been cheated on before, first person i was real quick to leave. it was easy for me to leave because it just was (now i know its because i really wasnt into them but back then you couldnt tell me no different)i was young so (i still am but i was real young) and i knew it wasnt going to last forever so there was no fooling me, but the last guy i was with, j he cheated on me and i stayed. i stayed because i really did care about him.. i stayed because i didnt want to leave him. i loved him. i found out about j cheating and it hurt me it really did we took a break from one another but were back together in less than three months. i let him go.. i told him to be with her, he did him and i focused on me. and in less than three months he was back asking for a second chance and i gave it to him. why? well because i knew that what he had with this chick was physical and nothing more, you cant hold onto a man for too long when you have nothing to offer but sex, there is nothing to keep him and i knew this... that is why i let him go because i know the type of person i am and i know that i can offer so much more. and i was right.
&& i wont sit here and lie. anyone i have dated these past four years (minus j) i cheated on with T. i will be the first to admit my wrongs. i have done my dirt but im human we all do somethings we arent supposed to. but in doing so i did let them know that i had just broke with him or i was dealing with this guy that i wasnt completely over, they chose to continue to "try" to take my mind off of him. they all failed.
but anyway im going off to a different subject.. what you do after you find out that you have been cheated on is not always simple. some you can just up and leave others may not be so easy. many things factor in for me at least it is. and its not fear of being alone or not loving myself enough but its working on something that can maybe be fixed, or at least the hope that i can. its knowing that we all have faults and no one person is perfect... its knowing that i to have made my own mistakes and from those mistakes i know that "once a cheater always a cheater" is not true or that people dont cheat simply because they dont love you... often times it has nothing to do with love.. sometimes its people own selfishness. but like i said before, cheating is multidimensional and for me the question: what would you do if you were cheated on? cant always be answered right away or easily...
what do you think???
only if he knew how i really feel...i should tell him but im afraid.. afraid of what exactly?! i dont know... my pride is too big, this i know.. its a downfall at times but i just cant let it go. i used to not see any sense of telling people especially him the way i feel in fear that i would be taking advantage of, i dont want that to happen to me. im afraid that i would look weak. i let my guard down once or twice before and both times i learned a valuable lesson. but every time i put a wall back up it only gets thicker and taller. i know its not good to bring past relationship issues into the present but shit thats easier said than done. who wants their heart broken. who wants to be denied. usually i am fine with being seen as emotionless or "hard" but when its someone you care about its hard to digest the fact that they view this way.... i mean we got into a really bad arguement early january and he called me a bitch.. i was shocked.. said i dont care about anyone, i have no emotion and im cold.. i was speechless. SPEECHLESS... i never thought he felt that way about me.. four years of us (whatever it may be) and thats what he thinks of me. he has since then apologized over and over but that is a hard pill to swallow. ive been trying to figure out if he is worth fighting for.. i kind of know he is but the real question is do i want to do it... like i said i hate embarrassment and rejection... i do care about him and he should know this. i know he knows this but it seems as though he wants to hear me say it. thats hard for me to do, i dont know how to. but i know that unless i do all he will tell me is "you didnt want to get back with me remember so you arent my girl and i can do what i want"... until i reveal how i feel he is going to continue to talk to other females and most likely fuck them. that hurts me to see it really does.. yet i still cant tell him everything that i feel and all the emotions and thoughts that are continuously running through my mind.. i know something has to be said though because since some girl claims they are in a relationship (facebook is the devil... but he denies it..calls her the girl upstairs) i really havent been able to focus. he claims they are just friends and she likes him (im sure its mutual) but i know that its not true. my friends keep telling me technically you cant be mad because you two are not together.. i dont give a fuck about that just because we are not together dont mean i cant have my feelings and voice my opinion.. and thats what i keep hearing from everyone; him, my friends and his friends.. its annoying why cant i be angry.. but its cool for him to get mad if he even see me walking with someone else?!?!..double standards are soo not cool. anyway i think before the week is over im just going to lay everything out (well almost everything im no fool) and tell him how i feel about him, everything that has happened, and things that are currently going on including ms.girl upstairs... i was thinking about getting a valentines day card even though he is not my valentine (first year single..ouch) and include a letter in it.. is that a good idea?.. hell i dont know, all i know is that i am not going to text him thats childish and its one of the biggest mistakes alot of people make. i was thinking something genuine and a kind gesture will be good (like the card).... any other ideas? all i know is that right now he is all i can think about and its bad..
