imprisoned heart

i cant even sit here and lie to myself i miss him like crazy. it has been official for almost a month now and before that we were not communicating and talking like we used to for about 2 months so i should be used to not speaking to him and not having him there, but truth is i am not. its difficult when you actually loved someone and more than that you care about them. more than anything i care about j. my feelings for him is beyond loving him. lately my mind has been running across him more than unsual. my thoughts and the little memories keeps replaying in my head. i dont know what to do with it. i dont know if i should swallow my pride and speak to him or continue with not talking to him and just have a clean break. honestly i am afraid that if i were to call him up that he wont be so receptive. i am never afraid of rejection its a part of life but i will definitely be heart broken if he werent willing to give us another try. i think that will hurt me more than anything at this point. i know it is silly of me to keep thinking about him and everything else but its not like i am doing it on purpose.. it just happens! last night i cried myself to sleep... yes i cried myself to sleep... the first time in a long time... i cant remember the last time i cried let alone cried myself asleep... and never have i cried over any man/guy. i guess there is a first for everything. all i know is i never want to feel like this again. my best friend keeps telling me to just tell him how i feel, but would telling him how i feel bring him back? i dont think so, therefore i will just keep it to myself. i remember coming back to ny for christmas break him introducing me to his family. i was especially suprised and excited that he introduced me to his mother and brother. walking out the hospital after visiting his mom and holding hands, having people tell us as we walk by that we look cute together and they can "tell we are happy and we care about one another" all that means so much to me... i never told him that before.. maybe that was my mistake. i told him alot of things. told him i cared about him. told him that even if we dont make it i would be his friend because he means that much to me. but i never told him how much the times we spent together meant to me. i never told them how dare i hold them in my heart and at night when he is in ny and i am in atl i just replay those moments in my head. i wish we werent long distance because i know that if we werent we would still be together but i cant sacrafice school for a relationship. i mean i just cant afford to. i never expected him to move to atlanta anytime soon i know that wouldnt be fair to ask that of him and he never asked the same of me because he knows how much school means to me. i guess we were doomed from the beginning but it was worth the try. i still miss him though and i know i will for a while. i still love him and i will always care about him, that will never change. i could say alot of things about j but one thing i can never say is that he is a bad person, because he is not. i have spoken to my mother, my uncle, cousins and aunts... everyone keeps asking about him and at first i was content with the split. i was fine with us no longer talking but now after all the conversations and questions i realize that he is worth some things. he is worth the risk. but i guess its too late now... i may never know... i have been in many relationships but i can honestly say he was my first love.... even though i never got a chance to tell him that either...