this past weekend my father called me and i spoke to him for the first time in almost two months. i had been trying to get in contact with him since may but he never answers his phone and he was waisting my money so i stopped calling... those international phone calls add up after awhile. i never enjoy speaking with my father and sometimes it upset me that i have to. its not that i dont love him, because i do, but my love for him is the reason why i cant stand speaking to him. in order for anyone to understand what i am saying they will have to know my story, so here it goes: when my mother was pregnant with my sister and i my father got locked up, he was sentenced to  fourteen years in federal prison. well he actually received more time but when you do time with the feds they cut your time down. anyway he finally came out when i was in the ninth grade, since he is not american he was deported back to jamaica. from there he moved to england. he was not out of jail for no more than two years before he was back in jail. his second time around he was not in for too long only about a year or two (honestly i stopped paying attention) after he was released he was deported out of england and sent back to his home where he currently reside.

now when i was younger although my father was miles away and we could not have a typical father- daughter relationship he and i were close... or at least i like to think so. my mother made sure my sister and i always visited him every two weeks. he always sent us things (had other people send it to us for him) and he always always called. after his second arrest that all changed, and i can be honest and say that most of it had to do with my attitude towards him, but i am not the only one to blame for our distance and lack of respect towards one another. i used to respect my father, i no longer do. i still love him but i don't have an ounce of respect for him anywhere in my body. if i sat here and said that our current relationship did not bother me i would be lying, i wish we had a better relationship with one another but we don't. i cant respect a man who is so ignorant. ignorance is my biggest pet peeve and a big turn off and my father is not exempt from that. here are a few things that he has said that makes me dislike him more and more with every conversation.
1. you should be proud of me, i am not in jail (why should i be proud of you... that somewhere you shouldn't want to go)
2. why you marking up your body with tattoos (isnt a little too late to parent me now at 21)
3. everything you do your sister follow you, so stop getting them tattoos cause she is does what she see you do (umm we are twins but we are two different people with two different minds. and she has more tattoos than me)
4. here is your sister/ brother/auntie/uncle/my high school friend number. please call them (wtf?)
5. why you dont call me?
6. i am coming there next year to come and see you ( you cant get back in the country. how you coming? in a barrell?!)
7. you know and i know your mother still love me. she needs to leave her husband (ummm)
8. he gives my number out to everyone.. stay having random ppl call my phone
9. mixes jamaican accent with english (england) accent... sounds a fucking mess and he stresses it
10. he listens to what other people tell him about me, doesn't try to get to know me himself

the last two are the biggest factors for me. at 21 its too late for you to all of a sudden be a part of my life. its too late for you to tell me not to get any tattoos or piercings. not trying to be mean but my stepdad did his job for him. he was there when my father wasnt. dont get me wrong i acknowledge my father and i always tell people i am lucky enough to have two fathers when some dont have one but in all honesty my true father is my mothers husband, he knows me better than my biological. my step father is the one who runs out and gets me pamprin and pads when i need it, he takes care of me along with my mother when i am sick, he was there for me when i was in both my car accidents, drop me to school and pick me up when my car was out of commission, he does my laundry and folds it up, cleans my room when he gets bored, he loves my mother and never abandoned her. he loves my sister and i as if we where his own. he loved me even when i didnt love him... he is my father... my real father. i love my biological but he can honestly never be what my step father has been to me. 
i will try to build a better relationship with my father. like my mom says he does not know any better. so i will try to cope with him because i do love him. sometimes i want to cry but i never will... my pride is too big. i just wished he would learn from his past but he hasn't and i wish he didn't use my sister and i as a reason to "try" to do better. he needs to do it for himself.

(oh and the other day he called me a spoiled bit... well he started saying it and then caught himself. but he called me spoiled and said i was full of myself... he cant believe my mother made me end up like this... all because i told him he has no say in the decisions i make at this point in my life.)