Fear Caused My Tears

I am so disappointed in myself I can’t help but cry. I cry not because I envy anyone else but because I am mad at myself. Because of my own insecurities and hard judgment on myself I didn’t take the steps necessary to secure my future. Because I was afraid of a little rejection I ran away. I am so proud of all my friends that were accepted into the nursing program. Radiant, Amesia, Danielle I am so proud of all of you. I just wished that I was amongst them. Now I know that had I applied this year I would be among my fellow friends and officially into the nursing program, officially a nursing major I would of never hesitated. I would have been the first one handing my application in personally. But since I punked out I am still a “pre- nursing” major. I can kick myself. Hell I want to kick myself but it is so hard to inflect pain onto yourself. I can’t stop crying. I am so pissed. So hurt. So mad at myself and my fears. I mean what was the worst they could of done, rejected me.. Ok big deal. And the good could have been I would have been accepted. But now since I did not apply I guess I will never know. And since my school only admits once a year I have to wait an entire year to apply. Either wait the year or transfer to another institution but that’s a whole other obstacle. I have never hated myself as much as I do now. And yes hate is a strong word but that’s how I feel. I hate myself. I hate the part of me that held me back. The part of me that allowed fear to control my heart and my mind. Now I am stuck again waiting for next year to roll around. Damn why couldn’t I just have been the strong minded person I know that I am. This is one thing I can’t blame on anyone but myself. I have worked so hard for my dream and now I have postponed it for at least another year. This time around it’s all on me. Not the university, not the professors, but ME. Another lesson learned.

Moral of this story: DO NOT LET FEAR HOLD YOU BACK. SOMETIMES WE CAN BE OUR OWN WORST ENEMIES..OUR TOUGHEST CRITICS AND IT PREVENTS US FROM LIVING. SOMETIMES WE NEED TO STOP OVERANALYZING THE PAST STOP PLANING THE FUTURE STOP TRYING TO FIGURE OUT PRECISELY HOW WE FEEL, STOP DECIDING WITH OUR MIND WHAT WE WANT OUT HEARTS TO FEEL. SOMETIMES WE JUST HAVE TO GO WITH WHATEVER HAPPENS.

I cant wait till my dream finally comes true and I am the person that I want to be working in the profession that I love. For now I will just cry.