usually i just sit here and vent about my life and a whole bunch of nothingness.. well today im blogging but i also need advice.. from both guys and females.. i really need help, im conflicted and it sucks.
t and i started talking about five years ago, since my senior year in high school. i guess we have always liked each other but we both have always been in other relationships. since then we have had our ups and our downs.. we have really good times but when we have bad times they are really bad.. a couple of months ago a couple of my friend bought to my attention that t and i look like we are a couple and we act like a couple. although we are close we never thought that we were sending a certain message to other people. he and i spend just about everyday together, we go grocery shopping together, to the mall and shop. when i stayed out in ctown alot him and his friends would come out there everyday from wed- sat and chill with me and my friends, he cooks for me ( he came over last night and made some shrimp alfredo,. it was yummy) and fix things that need to be fixing around the place. i guess we do do things that couples do but in my mind normal people who are not together do the same things. we have had conversations about the state of our "relationship" whatever it may be. at this point in our lives we are both single ( this is the first time this has happened since we have known each other) and now things have become a little complicated because feelings are being shown, verbally but mostly in our actions. he gets jealous and often times mad when i talk to other men, and i must admit i get jealous when he even mentions another female name.
last night t and i was in the living room eating and my roommate came to join us. after we finished eating i took our dishes to the kitchen washed them and then came back on the couch next to t, i layed my head in his lap and we was just all chilling and laughing. honestly i didnt even notice that i layed my head in his lap and that he was brushing my hair out my face until my roommate said something.. her comments caught he and i off guard cause we never realized that we did that but besides that she had just met him and i have only known her for two days. she continued to ask us how long we have been together and we told we werent she looked at us like we were insane and proceeded to tell us that yes we were together, and we continued to tell her that we werent, she thought that we were lying. anyway this one question opened up a door full of questions and we just told her dont try to understand it because our closest friends dont even understand it, her head will hurt.
now i am feeling all weird because im thinking to myself "damn if a complete stranger to the both of us can say all that she said and our friends been saying the same thing what are we doing?" everyone tells us that we are in an unofficial official relationship (whatever that is)
to be honest with myself i care about t and i do like t, i trust him as boyfriend material but there is something still off about him in my mind. maybe its the overactive thinking asia kicking in, but something is off. its like i trust him but then i dont, i dont know what it is but something is holding me back. i know he send subliminal messages, it seems as though he wants me to open up that door for him but im not going to because something in me is hesitant to.
we have had alot happen between us in our past, and although we are over it (he seems to have forgotten it all, i havent) sometimes i still question him. im the most comfortable with him (which is probably why we been doing this dance for so long) and i cant imagine not having him by my side, i know we arent just friends, we are more than that but i dont know what it is exactly. i need help understanding this and advice on what to do. PLEASE HELP! oh and yes we do have sex (well at least used to, but i have been celibate since august so we havent had sex since then but nothing has changed, he still treats me the same, which i like, most dudes would of been gone)
what do you all think is going on? what should i do? be honest and just say whatever is coming to your mind