Thoughts

I've just realized that he doesn't know how to love. Regardless of how good I treat him, he does not know to love. I try to be patient because I know that everyone is not like me. There are people who has never been shown affection by family, who has always been wronged, and who past partners crossed them, and although I have been crossed once or twice I have never experienced anything close to what he has been through. He has been burned and abused. It sounds weird saying that a man has been abused but that's exactly what has happened to him. I don't know if i would be able to trust or love either if I had experienced what he has. Although I feel for him and acknowledge what he has been through it is very trying and hard for me to accept the fact that he doesn't know how to love. I try to show him through my actions and my words, but it seems as though it's not clicking to him. A girl doesn't invest time in a man that she cares nothing about, especially four years. We just don't, so why can't he see that I am for him? Last month I invited his best friend over (with a bunch of people at my apartment of course, I'm no dummy) because I wanted him to help me plan a suprise birthday party for my him. He came over with his bestfriend and flipped out on me, we didn't talk for three weeks. He was so hurt because in his mind I crossed him and he thinks that I was trying to talk to/sleep with his bestfriend. At first I couldn't understand why he would even think that, I kept telling myself he should know me better than that but then I remembered the mother of his daughter slept with his bestfriend and his bestfriend cousin. I also remembered that one of his ex girlfriends just slept with randoms. It's been a month since that has happened and he still hasn't let it go. He would randomly come out of nowhere and say I hurt him, he can't believe I did that to him, and he can't forget it. I haven't told him the reason why I had invited his friend over because he hasn't given me the chance and besides that he should know that I would never do that to him. Sometimes I feel like he is casting his own actions on me. Like in the beginning, he slept around, alot. I forgave him but now he keeps claiming that I'm cheating, he thinks one of my friends is more than a friend, and he insinuated that I invited his best friend over to kick it, and have sex with him. More than anything that hurt me. That hurt me more than him sleeping with other people in the past or anything else that can possibly happen because that means he doesn't trust me and he has automatically put the actions of his ex girlfriends off on me so I can be just like them. I am nothing like them and I never will be. When everyone left his side I stuck around. I look at his daughter as if she is my own. When he was in legal trouble I was there. He got off the streets and enrolled in school because he knew it would make me happy. Anything I need he is always there and vis versa. When he was down I was there, I have always been there. Even when we fight I'm still there so why can't he trust me and love me the way that I need to be loved. Why can't he let go of the past and just trust and know that I would never hurt him. Why won't he give us a chance, the chance to be happy that we both deserve. When we are together I am so happy. I have this smile on my face that never fades, and I have never felt this way about anyone not even the man I was going to marry. He keeps me going, he has never just left me, even during the days we aren't talking. Like anything we have our good times and we have our bad times, but our bad times are really really bad. I sometimes question why am I even trying. I want all the games to stop. The on again off again bullshit needs to end. I need stability, commitment and I need him to act right. I need him to stop dwelling on other people and his past and just focus on us and the right now. I want us to be US. I see a future with him, I really do but we both have alot of work to do.

1 comments:

Supastarrr May 11, 2010 at 2:43 PM  

wow that's deep. You've been together for 4 years? Maybe he needs counselling if his past is so troubling.