questioning worth

"Questioning is everything here really worth salvaging? Is it over, how we do we go about deciding? Do we add up all the good times then divide them, by how many times we hurt each other? Or do we just ignore the numbers and vow right now that nothings going to take us under." - Lyfe Jennings


lately i have been at a standstill. neither here nor there. i dont know how to feel anymore about us. its weird because things havent been bad, i mean we have seen worst times. but they really havent been great either. its just been... thats it. things are getting better but worst at the same time if that makes any sense. i know it makes no sense to me. i came to the conclusion that everyone loves differently. people dont understand that and thats okay. but everyone forcing their views on us is wearing us both out. you can fight but so hard.. after a while you get weak. i am weakening. i am waving the white flag. I AM GIVING UP!!! its one thing for us to have our disagreements but when outside forces start throwing rocks at us, it just makes the eternal battle that much harder. i love him i do. but i dont think i can do this that much longer. i am constantly defending him, defending myself, and defending our decisions. last week my sister referred to him as scar face and continued to belittle him to me, i usually defend him i usually stand up for him, but this time i didnt. i felt like shit to hear her say those things and not open my mouth. but this isnt the first time she has said something like that, and every other time i have corrected her. but i just didnt have the fight in me. because i know it would lead into an argument. and as important as he is to me, my twin is just as important. it hurts me that she doesnt like him. she doesnt even respect him. no one likes T.. no one likes him for me, but I LOVE HIM.. i wont lie a part of me didnt argue with her that time because a little part of me wonders if he defends my name and honor when i am not around. I GET TIRED OF DOING IT ALL ALONE. i am so tired. i keep telling myself anything worth something is worth fighting for, but my question is how long is the fight supposed to last? the good thing is we havent argued in a while but its the little things that are bothering me now, and i dont if it is just me picking at things but it annoys the hell out of me. i question if this is really going to work? better yet i question how much longer we have.. this is not a good way to think. i know its not. but i am tired. i know i need a break but i am afraid of what might happen if i step away.
i know he loves me, but he doesnt know how to express his love. he has never been loved and he has never been required to do much in his previous relationships. i come from a loving family, we wake up with "i love you"s and kisses and go to bed the same way.. he has never had that. i dont know what its like not to be expressive and show feelings. he has been taught to suppress them.. HOW THE HELL IS THIS GOING TO WORK? last week he gave me 100 dollars because i am dead broke. i almost cried. it was unexpected. and this week he gave me his last dollars, saying he rather me have something and he can wait till he get paid.. i cried.. i cried because i didnt expect it from him. like i said things have been better.. only thing bothering me is that we hardly ever spend time together anymore, he finally found a job (fulltime) plus summer classes, and practice for football. I NEVER SEE HIM.. I MISS HIM... he thinks that its not that big of deal but he doesnt understand that my happiness is with him, and if i could see him everyday for even a moment i would be okay. i just wonder do he feel the same!
do a man really invest four years into someone he doesnt care about? and i know with all the things that has happened in the past i dont even think i would stay with me. but then again i have put up with alot as well... i just dont know anymore. i feel lonely. i wanted him to spend the night last night, it didnt happen. how do you feel lonely but loved at the same time? ive heard that love isnt enough, that we should just call it quits and leave one another alone. some say we arent good for one another. but i refuse to have put all this work into this relationship and just leave. yes sometimes i have my days where i feel sad, i might cry. but life isnt painless, right? he has never hit me, never disrespected me, works, go to school, a provider, family oriented, hard working... this is the kind of man that most women look for.. its the kind of man that i always wanted... but he doesnt know how to love.. IS IT POSSIBLE TO TEACH A PERSON HOW LOVE AND SHOW AFFECTION?
i feel stuck


4 comments:

Sasha P. May 21, 2010 at 10:45 AM  

i don't even know where to begin because i know what all of those situations feel like, having experienced them at one time or another. all i can do is give you my opinion but at the end of the day, any decision you make is entirely up to you and you shouldn't have to feel any kind of way about your decisions because you're a grown ass woman. women on a whole need to realize that when you give a friend or sister advice, it should be because you care and you want to help present her with options, rather than thinking it's mandatory and not a suggestion.
having to always defend him to your friends and family can be frustrating. maybe you should talk to them about how disrespectful and hurtful it is for you to hear them talk about him that way. if you love him, they should at least be able to accept him and even if they don't respect him, they should respect you enough to be courteous.
it never feels good to feel like you're fighting a battle by yourself but if he loves you, you might be surprised to find that he's fighting just as hard for you as you are for him.
if you need a break, you shouldn't be afraid to step back for a few. if you explain yourself, he should be understanding. it's not like you wanna take a break to date other people, you just need to get your headspace straight. if he loves you like he should, he shouldn't have a problem waiting.
i'm sure he's not the first and probably won't be the last man to have trouble expressing his love. but you know, without a shadow of a doubt that he loves you. and you can teach someone how to love you the way you need to be loved.
as for never seeing each other, i'm going through that as we speak. my bf works full time and takes all the overtime he can get. his hours are so crazy and i'll be starting summer classes soon so things will only get harder. but he reminds me that he works so hard because he's trying to build a life in which he can be the provider for both of us and as frustrating as it is not to see him, i can't be mad at that.
it sounds to me like you just need to spend some time with him, sit him down and tell him about all these thoughts you're having. if anyone's insight will be helpful, it's his. and you'll be able to see where his head is at also. anyways, i hope i helped.

tha unpretentious narcissist © May 21, 2010 at 10:54 AM  

Weird..cause I'm in a similar place. I think it's possible to teach people love & affection, but almost impossible to teach them how to love you your way. I'm at the white flag place too..where you feel like you've done enough, faught enough, cried enough where if it's gonna work..it should be working by now.

It's not the survivor route to give up or retreat, but it's not the wise route to paddle a 2 man boat alone either. Don't give up in love you beliegve in, but make it prove itself to be that. You wonder, as do I..is the struggle as great as it seems on your end, put it in the hands of the other person to show you, you aren't alone. If they cant/won't..then they are showing you that the only way you'll make it together is if you make it happen alone. Why fight for something you're alone in anyway?..

Just my thought process. Good luck.

Supastarrr May 21, 2010 at 11:49 AM  

You have to do what's best for you. At the end of the day, if talking doesn't change, to keep your sanity you need space.

Shay May 21, 2010 at 2:56 PM  

I feel you when you say you feel stuck. I know that feeling oh too well. Wanting to hold onto something, but at the end of the day if you are not growing from it or profiting from it then whats the point of holding on. But like Sasha said the decision is yours. Its something you have to work out within yourself.