free from chains of love

Eminem- "25 to Life"
I dont think she understand the sacrifices that i made
maybe if the bitch had acted right i would've stayed
but ive already wasted over half of my my life i woud've laid
down and died for you i no longer cry for you
no more pain
bitch, you took me for granted, took my heart
i gave up my life for you, totally devoted to you
always in a rush to get back to you, i aint heard you yet
not even once say you appreciate me, i deserve respect
and i wont be coming back so dont hold your fucking breath
you know what youve done no need to go in depth
all i ever felt was this helplessness
imprisoned by a selfish bitch, chew me up and spit me out
i fell for this so many times, its ridiculous
and i still i stick with this, im sick of this
my friends keep asking why i cant just walk away
but this time i aint changing my mind
im climbing out this abyss
this song has been on repeat since ive downloaded eminem's album, this song is deeper than any that ive heard in a long time. i guess it speaks volumes to me because of all that i am going through right now and the decisions that i have recently made in regards to my relationship (or ex relationship). i feel eminem and everything he is saying. the first time i heard this song the words caught my attention, but because i wasnt really paying attention i really didnt get to experience it fully. after the song was done i automatically replayed it, the second time i listened to the song i cried... i cried hard and long. i sat on my couch and balled. since this song has come into my life it opened my eyes and made me realize things that I DID NOT WANT TO SEE.
a couple of weeks ago i looked in the mirror and i look so tired.. still youthful but very tired.. i still smiled but my natural shine was no longer coming through, and it easy to brush it off until other people stars mentioning it, then it becomes a problem
when i started apologizing for things that had nothing to do with me, that was not my fault i knew that this relationship was a problem
when he started going through my stuff i realized it was a problem
when he attempted to kick down my door... I KNEW I HAD TO END THIS!
there are alot of things i can deal with and i have dealt with. there is alot of things that i have put up with but everyone has a limit and i have reached mine.
ive said i was done before but i know that this time its true. everyday when i look at him i used to see fireworks in my head, the only thoughts that ran through my head was "this man is going to be my husband, i love him, he is my bestfriend, wow so this is what it feels like" i literally saw my future in his eyes. last week when i looked at him i was disgusted, there was no fireworks, no vision, no nothing. i simply felt nothing, the only thought that ran through my head was this: "four fucking years.. i wasted four years with you, waiting for you to get right.smh"
and if i wasnt sure before if i was really done with him this time, last week was even more confirmation for me. im telling you God is always on time.
when the whole baby thing went down and he saw nothing wrong with the whole situation, he didnt feel the need to explain, apologize, or nothing i was disgusted
im not mad/wasnt mad about the possibility of him having a second child. im pissed because if there is someone else out there claiming that you are the father of their child that means you had to have had unprotected sex with this girl (the condom broke line is for the birds i know the deal), and if you are out there having unprotected sex with this girl, how many other girls are you having unprotected sex with.. you put me at risk and my life in danger. how can you possibly love me when you are out there fucking bitches raw, you dont love me, not at all. your selfish ass loves no one but yourself. my life in danger was the straw that broke the camels back.
i no longer trust you, no longer believe anything you say, i no longer have the desire to make love to you.. so why stay? there is nothing keeping me but time and memories and honestly it kept me long enough, but its not strong enough to sustain another day... I CANT
ive realized through all this that: LOVE ISNT ALWAYS ENOUGH
i cant say that i dont love him because i do, but i love myself alot more and im wise enough to know that i have to move on.