broke like a joke

fareal i am so broke its a damn joke... im starting to make fun of my own damn self.. i laugh not because its funny but because it is depressing as hell... its damn sad. i dont even have money to put gas in my tank. no money to eat even a cookie for a dollar when im hungry as hell on campus. no money to pay student fines. i dont have money for anything, its sad.... sooo sooo sad. i never know if i am going to make it to school the next morning and if i do make it to school i dont know if i am going to make it back from school because gas is low. it cost 50 dollars to fill up my tank. 10 dollars for a one way trip.. its too much money but its all i have until i can afford a better car.. being this broke is not cool, not fun and not cute... arghhh its frustrating. wanting to go out and i cant do that. wanting to at least eat a meal on campus and i cant do that either. in my house the pantry is so bear its not even funny. i can see the walls its thats bear.. damn damn damn. 

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friendship has no color

i am aware that there are people in this world that are ignorant. no two people think alike and not everyone will always agree on certain things, especially sensitive subjects such as race, i am aware of this. i can tolerate difference. i can tolerate someones opinion (even if i may not agree with it,) what i can't tolerate though is ignorance.

for the first time in a long time i felt heartbroken today. not because of something a family member or friend did to me, but because of what a stranger said to me. i never felt so crushed before i have cried over a break up or other simple things. ive cried. but today i was so hurt and mad that not one tear fell from my eyes.

today i was in the health center at my university and i ran into one of my friends loren (pink shirt in pictures on top) since loren and i have both been extremely busy i havent seen her in a while but we still call and text one another at least once a week to check on one another. anyway we were in the health center and suprised we ran into one another so we hugged one another and was talking all of a sudden someone says " oh my gosh, what the fuck" of course i did not think the comment was towards us cause all we were doing was hugging and talking. so loren and i continue to talk and the same voice says to another person "do you see that shit, what the fuck is she doing hugging that black girl, west ga need to stop admitting these people." ok at this point i knew exactly who she was talking about... ME... i was disgusted... excuse me how dare you call me "these people" and what is wrong with us being friends. i have never been so disrespected, and infront of a room of like 60 people. it wasnt the fact that it was in public, it was the fact that she felt the need to say what she said and its sad that she feels that way. loren apologized to me for something a stranger to both her and i said, she felt the need to because they were both white. i told her it was not needed, skin color does not mean that any two people are the same. i dont want anyone to apologize to me or feel bad for me because i dont feel bad for myself, its the reality of the world we live in, but i just thought that in 2009 we will be striving towards progress but it feels as though as a society and nation we have been stagnant

although i am upset and mad as ever i honestly feel for her. someone who can be so evil and dark seriously needs help. how could you look at me and automatically assume that because i am black i can only be friends with those of my own race. i thought the purpose of college was to experience new things, expand your horizons && meet new people, but ever since i have started college it has been the complete upset. people out here in this small town are so closed minded its scary.

friendship is not defined through color. i am embrace everyone and thankfully i have been blessed enough to come across enough people who have embraced me regardless of my skin color, but unfortunately there are still people out there who can't open their hearts to except people regardless of differences.

*pictures on top are of my sister, loren, sar, bec and myself... and guess what they are some of my closest friends*

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just a little recap of whats been going on

these past couple of days have been pretty uneventful..nothing interesting. just the normal, school, some relationship things ( i wont call them issues), friends and the randoms...

school:

i took my last final today so i am now officially on break. that final was intense. well anatomy and physioloy is intense by itself let alone the exams my head is always spinning.. anywho i didnt go to bed till after six and then turned right back around and woke up at nine thirty so yeah i was definitely sad that i wasnt able to sleep longer but i rather be tired than fail a class cause i missed my final. so far i am walking out the semester with one A, four B's, and one C. i am not too happy about the C but the A will weigh it out. it was only a one credit course (lab) so its not really that big of a deal. i still feel like i was jipped out of a grade so im in the process of appealing (yes i start early..waste no time)

relationship:

so this weekend my boyfriend called me like if everything was good, we talked for three hrs. he did most of the talking i just listened. i dont know how to feel right now or what to think so im just observing. i have decided that im not trying to make anything work if he is not willing to. it makes no sense to be in it alone. but once again he was acting like everything is good and there is nothing wrong. he was speaking like if we are on good terms like how was used to talk. he is convinced that i have something goin on with someone else especially with "A" i keep telling him that there is nothing there but whatever i just think thats the game he is playing because he doing his own shit. my ex that i will just call "C" i spoke to him as well on friday, just catching up because its been so long. it was great talking to him again it was weird because before he called me i had been thinking about him for a couple of weeks. i mean he has been on my mind alot and i dont know why. he now has a new job and its only three minutes away from my house. we plan on going out and doing lunch this weekend so that should be interesting. "A" and i were supposed to go to the movies this past weekend to see obsessed but i had to cancel because i really needed to study for finals. felt bad but school comes first. im still trying to get over the fact that he is leaving soon for the marines but i cant help but support him because he really wants this and this is the first thing i have ever seen him work so hard for. so i am definitely proud of him. he says he is going to write a letter for everyday he is away and that he hopes i will write back. "of course i will" is what i told him because i will. anyway summer is here so im not really trying to think too much of my boyfriend or get into anything with anyone else. this is my season to do as i please...

friends...:

or acquantances...i have cut alot out of my life. i mean bitches show their true colors when the kitchen gets too hot. i dont have time to have place holders in my life. i just feel like if you are going to be a friend be a friend.... not a part time friend, a seasonal friend....but a FRIEND... a "ride or die fool" FRIEND...i have a couple of ride or dies...and those are my oldest friends so now im feeling like there is no need for me to invite new people into my life.

randoms:

thirty something year old bitch in my class wanted to fight me because i "stare too much"...this lady for some reason looked at my sister and i in the beginning of the semester and automatically made up her mind that she aint like us.. cool whatever...im not going to lose sleep and i am not here for you. point blank simple. all semester she been bitching my sister and i up but never to our face always to fellow students in th biology building. for a second i felt like i was back in high school and she was the super super super senior (x15) i mean lets be real lady you grown. im grown. we both grown. so all semester she never said anything to me come the last day of microbiology class she want to step to me. but she was suprised when i answered her ass back i guess she aint expect it but whatever. i may smile and laugh alot but im no push over. plus i had my "BROOKLYN only the strong survive shirt" so you know i was ready. so she came to me and it went like this

her: excuse me hunny are you okay?

me: why are you talking to me like we are friends

her: because everytime i see you, you are always staring at me!

me:last time i checked these are my eyes so i can look at whoever i please. i didnt know that there were stipulations on my eyes

her: i was just asking because you seem to h....

before she could finish i cut her off

me: to have a problem?! no there is no problem, i just dont like you.. now if you think thats warrents a problem then yes we have a problem

she was shocked i answered her back so she just kept it moving...

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