i forgave you a long time ago

you must find it in your heart to forgive in order to love and live....

       i forgave you a long time ago

this has been my away message on my aim for the past two weeks. why so long? because i am tired of my ex boyfriend always messaging me, texting, and calling asking me to forgive him and give him another chance. for some reason he can't understand that me not talking to him has nothing to do with not forgiving him it's just me moving on with my life. and in order to move on i had to forgive him. i forgave him along time ago.

he and i grew up together, we known each other from when i was five and he was ten. we started dating when i was fourteen and he was nineteen. i was in the ninth grade and he was a senior in high school (dropped out for a while). anyway we were together for almost three years and the entire time was damn near hell. he was the first person i had ever been sexual with and the first person to bring so much drama into my life. while with him he got another girl pregnant, the fucked up part about it was that she was his ex girlfriend (the one before me) best friend. i just thought that was foul as hell. but besides getting someone else pregnant he constantly lied and cheated. he slept with two girls that were supposed to be my good friends. both stopped talking to me and one actually came to my house to fight me for him. i always wondered why they kept looking at me the way they did and then just stopped talking to me, i later found out it was because they had been having sex with him. aside from that his baby mother came up to my school to fight me for him. there were at least six or seven  different occasions where girls wanted to fight me the oldest was 24 when i was only 16. i knew i wanted to leave him but i didn't know how because he was all i knew and for so long i had liked him. when you are young you don't think as strong as you are capable of and i was one of those. young and dumb. i don't regret him but i will never go back to him. 

one night he and i got into an argument over his baby mother coming up to my school and causing drama. i told him it was his fault and he needed to handle it. he felt as though i was testing his manhood. talking led to screaming, screaming led to threats and the next thing i knew he hit me and we were fighting. although i was young i was hot tempered and my mom always told me to never let a man disrespect me and worst of all put their hands on me, so when he did that i blanked out. although he was older and bigger than me i was crazier than him, he ended up jacked up and i was fine. i went home (three doors down) like nothing happened... never date someone in your neighborhood, living to close is bad for relationships sometimes you need your space. seeing him everyday helped nothing. i saw when he was with other chicks. i saw when he was doing things i specifically asked him not to such as hanging out with the wrong crowd on the corner or smoking weed. 

while with him i got pregnant and that entire time  was a nightmare. the only reason why i was able to leave him is because i moved to georgia. that was the best thing that could have happened to me. even after i move we still had a "relationship" for a while but i ended it a couple of months later. no need fooling ourselves. 

* ALMOST FIVE YEARS LATER*

and he and i still keep in contact but its not by choice most of the time. every time we speak we argue. but the arguments are not the same like before. instead of arguing about cheating and disrespect we now argue over giving him another chance, him wanting me to be the mother of his kids, and moving back to new york. everything is what he wants, he is still selfish, still D and he will never change. that is okay with me though because he and i will never be. i change my number and he gets it every single time so i stopped changing it. whenever i am back in ny he will pop up at my grandmothers house, but thank gosh most of the time i am not there. he calls me phony, says im spoiled and i am a bitch because i forgot where i came from and my feelings for him.. i tell him its me getting older and maturing. i am not the same fourteen year old girl that i was before. i am a twenty one year old grown woman. if i remained the same something would be wrong.  and for some crazy reason he feels like i owe him a baby. at times i get sad but overall i am happy that things worked out they way it did cause had the baby been here i would be stuck with him. the devil is a lie

i could never forget him... i could never completely write him off... he was my first everything and i could never forget that. 

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dennis i forgave you a long time ago.